When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Yup.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Cannot stop laughing at this
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done