My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I occasionally drink every single night.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know