Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’m being attacked 😭
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering