[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.