The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.