I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”