Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.