Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
starting a garage orchestra
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?