He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.