*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*