So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
You Might Also Like
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]