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[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.