me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
? 💀
We’ve come full circle