My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Not all heroes wear capes…
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing