Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My daily affirmation
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off