Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I think we should hear other voices.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.