Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*