Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.