The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I am also baked goods
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sending in my taxes
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?