It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]