When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Can Happiness buy money?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
what the
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂