Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Art by Pastelkatto
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.