Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life