To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
That eye roll….
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.