The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.