Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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is this how new cars are made??
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
remember
only for emergencies
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.