I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
(more comics:
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.