The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…