*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Good dog. ❤️
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.