Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
You Might Also Like
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.