beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Best mom ever 😂
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?