Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I’m about to risk it all
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.