It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
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Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay