[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
are they though??
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.