I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old