Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Pandas 🐼🖤
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!