it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*