Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
You Might Also Like
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?