He just like my cat fr
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
stop
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I think I’m having a stroke
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶