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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book