Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
This can never not be funny 😭😭
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.