Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You Might Also Like
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Flock of bats
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.