No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
You Might Also Like
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.