[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.