The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
She was REALLY feeling it.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
oh no, steve’s working tonight