Butt weight. There’s more!
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy