had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*