therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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Cause I think it does.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”