The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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Tell me you get it…🤣
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
@ candidates for local office
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Pretty much! 😂👀
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.