My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.